As a tennis player, I often find analogies between the sport and life in general. One of the most useful one came from a dear friend and tennis coach, Rob Polishook, who runs a unique and beautiful workshop called “Tennis in the Zone” at the Omega Institute during Family Week every summer. Rob is an author and a mental training coach who works with athletes and teams in all sports and at all levels, from middle school to professional athletes. He’s also an amazing human being with a peaceful wisdom, compassion and a kick-ass sense of humor.
In tennis, you’re competing with people across the net as you hit back and forth trying to get the ball in a place where they can’t return it. Most of us know of this person or people as our opponent(s). We’re “against” them. However, Rob had me look at it differently.
Instead of “opponents,” he suggested referring to them as “partners.” And he described what we’re doing as more of a dance back and forth. It’s more of a question and answer. You serve the ball (question) and they answer with their return. Perhaps you have a comment (hitting it in their general direction) or another question (going for the winning shot). Looking at tennis this way allowed me to enjoy it so much more. It became the dance or conversation and made it FEEL better.
It’s like that in our relationships. Whether it’s a loved one, a friend, a co-worker, an acquaintance, or someone we are just crossing paths with for that moment. We are partners in our conversations. Whether it’s like a tennis game or a dance, we each have our own space (ideas, words, feelings) that we present to each other, expecting their response. Seeing it this way may help to see it in a different light.
An example of this is with a client who had an antagonistic relationship with a family member. In shifting her perspective in their next interaction, she saw it as a dance where she made a move and the other person responded. Sometimes they came together (agreed) and other times, they were across the room from each other, but the idea was to make it into a dance (or a tennis game) where you wait for the next move.The idea isn’t simply to get your ideas out, but to share and be open to the response. At the same time, fully listening (observing) what your partner is saying by being present and not thinking of your next comment or move just yet.
I first got this idea from a book my psychotherapist mother gave to me soon after I was married: The Two Step. It changed how I go about talking to and thinking about my interpersonal relationships. It’s not about being the dominant person in control of the discussion. It’s really a back and forth with consideration in its true meaning: honestly considering that person’s words/thoughts and being open to them. When we let go of that control over having to be right or more intelligent, it makes for not only more peaceful interactions, but more pleasurable ones.
Of course, this is a practice, very much like most things in our lives. This idea is repeated over and over again in our coaching sessions. We do this dance with our individual clients and with our groups and we continually remind ourselves that it’s the practice that’s important. The more we practice, the more it becomes second nature, no matter what it is we are practicing.
We challenge you to give this a try. In your next personal interaction, view it as a dance (or a tennis match) where you make a move and wait for their response, fully hearing it and considering it before making your next move as your response. Let go of expectations of what you think they’ll say (in dancing and tennis, we’re often wrong with what we think their next move is). See where the conversation takes you. You may find something new.
